Essay: American Immigration Officer Explains Why Melania Trump Deserves the Einstein Green Card While Legit Published Authors with Doctorates Do Not

By Roopa Swaminathan

Dear applicant,

We are rejecting your application for a Green Card even though the Einstein visa clearly states that those who are highly qualified, have written books, won awards, written and directed a film, etc. SHOULD automatically get a Green Card.

1. Apropos your film – we give Green Cards to filmmakers who make films in ‘American.’ Your film was made in ‘English.’ That means nothing to us in America. Also, your film is about five women. Yawn. Even women don’t want to see movies about women, and you should know that as a woman.

2. You wrote a book that won a National Award in India. First - you use words like gerrymandering, proclivities, swing vote, and bipartisan in your book and I checked. Those words don’t exist. Also, your book hasn’t won the National Book Award or the Pulitzer. Yes. I know what they are. And, yes. The Pulitzer and the National Book Awards are given to American citizens only. And yes. It’s ironic. Again, a word that doesn’t exist.

3. You have a double masters and Ph.D. in International Relations. Sorry. Even STEM grads from MIT and Caltech don’t get Green Cards anymore. That’s because people can and should do their own research by watching videos on YouTube now. Like, we now know that the world is flat and not round. Because a few dynamic folks did the hard work, self-learned, literally went to the ends of the earth, and no one fell off. And no. Gravity is not a thing. We are protected on all four sides - by the Pacific Ocean on the west, the Atlantic on the east, and massive ice mountains in the Arctic and Antarctic in the north and south. We don’t need Caltech or MIT to tell us that.

4. Asylum? Well, one encouraging fact is that you come from a poor country as well. I guess you could go to Juarez and sneak into El Paso. From your passport-sized picture, you can pass for a Mexican. You’re brown. Short. Stout. Long black hair. You can claim to suffer from gang violence even though you’re so ugly that none of the gangsters will bother you. But, no. Your recommendation letters suggest that you speak English like a native. Sorry. No asylum.

5. Basically, you’re very underqualified to get a Green Card legally but too overqualified to make that midnight run from Juarez to El Paso. You’re fucked.

6. You could’ve gamed the system like every street-smart foreigner in America seeking a Green Card and married an overweight 40-year-old virgin living in his mama’s basement in Wichita, Kansas, and who jerks off to a silicone doll. But no. You had to be honest. You don’t deserve a Green Card.

7. So many Melania questions that clog up our answering machine. Why Melania? How did Melania get a Green Card? Blah, blah, and more blah. How did Melania-fucking-Trump get the Einstein Green Card? Seriously? Get real. Have you seen her? Especially from down below where you stand to Melania’s almost six feet of gorgeous, blond, and beautiful self? Don’t yearn for what you cannot have. Even Einstein will agree she deserved his visa.

8. No. You cannot ask some rando stranger at Kroger or Aldi’s to grab your pussy. Melania got TRUMP to grab her pussy. THAT’S why she got the Green Card. I can see your feminist claws out and rolling your eyes. Sorry. It has NOTHING to do with whose pussy…uh…p…y got grabbed or how qualified that p…y is. It only matters who did the grabbing.

9. No. Trump will NOT grab your p…y.

10. Again. Trump will not grab your p…y. Ever. You’re too old and too not-blond-and-blue-eyes enough for him. Trump is not even grabbing Melania’s p…y anymore. He really wants to grab Ivanka’s p…y. Unfortunately, her being his daughter and ‘societal norms’ have thrown a spanner in the works. What utter BS.

11. Bill Gates? Solid idea in theory. But Bill and Jeffrey (bless his dead soul now) love them Lolita-nubile-nymphet-school-uniform-wearing-teen young p…ies. You’re 33. They won’t grab your grandma p…y.

12. Sorry. Green Card declined.

Sincerely,

 

Immigration Official, USCIS

PS: I should NOT be doing this. But you do have solid qualifications and you’re lucky since I ‘feel’ something today. HOT TIP: Get this guy. He dumped his wife for a hot, hot, hottie and the hottie is 51 years old. So, there’s hope for you. Forget grabbing your pussy… just get Jeff Bezos to send you his dick pic and I will guarantee your ticket to the Pearly Gates of American Heaven – the Einstein Green Card.

Roopa Swaminathan has a regular weekly opinion column at Elephant Journal. Her fiction is published on Eksentrika, Kitaab, Women’s Web, Free Flash Fiction and more. She also writes humor and has also been published in Slackjaw, Frazzled, Greener Pastures Magazine and more.