Fiction: thank you internet for making beautiful women think they’re interesting 💁‍♀️

By Jesse Larkins

I’m on set with Harrison Ford.

Somehow we got ahold of his agent and they convinced him it was a good idea.

It’s a 10 things you can’t live without video.

I’m there to ask him the questions.

You won’t see me because I’m not famous. You won’t even hear my voice.

Just Harrison answering questions.

His agents told us that the questions were approved by him and his marketing team.

They were engaging and flattering.

But maybe one slipped through that wasn’t.

Go fuck yourself he tells me.

I don’t even believe it’s happening.

What’s that

What the fuck is this he asks.

I look to his agents who are also confused. They shrug.

Okay moving on

Fucking prick

I look at the question I just asked him.

It was so innocuous.

He looks like he wants to kill me.

Before I can respond he goes

Can we get another guy in here and someone grabs me by my shoulders and starts to lead me away from the set.

I’m so confused my body just does as it’s told.

I’m in a hallway now.

So that wasn’t good

What the fuck happened

I really don’t know. But we need to put a fucking lid on it

…

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This is what people want.

I know this with extreme certainty

You’re predictable.

I know how to leverage your curiosity.

Ensure that people click on our site.

We’ve built a base of loyal visitors

I have been instrumental to that.

It’s because of our headlines.

We peddle clickbait.

We exploit your curiosity

Your need to empathize

Your inability to rationalize with corporate predation

Your need to be accepted

…

Our competition is Facebook.

Reddit.

Those guys.

 

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An Older Asian Woman Was Punched More Than 125 Times And Stomped On In A Violent Racist Attack

 

And on it goes

And on some more.

I write two or more a day.

My colleagues do the same.

 

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An Ex-Cop Has Been Charged With Murder For Fatally Shooting A 12-Year-Old Boy In The Back

…

Millie hates me now.

I feel it whenever I walk in the room.

She’s on her phone but I see all her muscles tense up.

She’s anticipating me saying something to her and interrupting her phone time.

She looks at with me without looking.

What are your plans tonight

Watch tv? Read?

Wanna go out

Not really no. Where?

When we first started dating we went out all the time. Almost every night.

Now she doesn’t give a fuck.

It’s all old hat.

Years of animosity.

When I first met her my life was shit.

She was the best thing in it.

Now it’s not.

And now she’s not.

…

It was my first job.

I was assigned the tattoo expo.

How fucking lame.

But I was getting paid.

Men getting their nipples pierced and passing out. Turning purple and blue.

Get a fucking paramedic!

He comes to.

What happened?

You’re a fucking pussy dude that’s what happened.

A girl gets her clit pierced.

She’s on her period and it’s not okay.

It’s heavy.

The girl doing the piercing almost vomits.

She finishes her work like a pro.

It doesn’t look pretty.

She seems happy with it though.

…

I see Millie working on some guy.

Check out the librarian

I’d still hit it

I would too

I also want to kill these fucks

She sees me but doesn’t get distracted.

I wonder if I’m distracting.

I must be in some ways.

Dog tags.

The guy on her table is a vet

The Ed Hardy shirt can’t contain his muscles.

He goes limp on her.

She’s surprised.

They wait a minute then go for a phone.

He sits straight up.

He’s at war again.

He grabs her.

I panic but several men three times my size step in and subdue him.

They start whispering to him

Hushing him like a scared child.

It was kind of life changing

But also

Really gay.

…

I sit outside smoking

I smoked cigarettes then.

Yeah that girls so ugly and she won’t even have sex with me I’m just gonna take her out and get her drunk

Kids on bikes

I see her talking to a group of guys.

I catch her attention.

Pretty hard.

She tries to be apart of their conversation but is only half there.

They dissipate but she stays back.

I walk over to her.

…

“Well how about coffee?”

“I don’t drink coffee”

“Neither do I. That’s just what people say.”

She thinks I’m cute and charming.

She’s confusing charming with sarcastic and blunt.

…

We order food.

We talk for hours.

She’s been stretching holes in guys’ dicks for three years.

Went to school for it.

She’s an angel.

And the sun hits her in this way.

She gets up and it’s the first time I get a chance to check her out.

Her ass is so rad man.

Her jeans are hugging it tight. You can see the perfect curve of it.

I want her to beg me for my cum.

…

We end up back at her place.

She pours herself another drink

You haven’t even touched yours she pouts.

Well excuse me.

She laughs. She wants to fuck me.

Okay I’ll drink some more will that make you feel better

Yesss

And now I’m feeling it.

I kiss her and her tongue tastes like blue raspberry vodka.

The sex was great.

It was just so easy.

She asked me to wear a condom.

I cum inside her.

We sleep for a few hours.

I wake up at 3 or 4 and start eating her pussy.

Then her ass.

I don’t wear a condom this time and she’s fine with that.

…

The city is awake.

It always is.

I wake up.

She’s still sleeping.

I gently remove her arm from me and I slip out of her bed.

I get dressed.

She wakes up and reaches for me.

I plop down next to her and shower her in kisses.

I think I love her.

I tell her I have to work.

She asks me what I do again.

Well someone doesn’t like to listen.

We kiss some more.

I take an Uber back to the apartment.

Crawl into bed with Kate.

I missed you so much.

I missed you too.

Let me make you breakfast.

No honey just get some rest.

She gets up anyway and starts making me a big breakfast.

That’s just the kind of girl she is.

…

The piece was well received.

It took me a day to write it.

My supervisor skimmed it and said looks good.

I had a sensational title for it

 

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My name is actually on this one.

It gets good traffic.

…

Can’t stop thinking about Millie

I send her the article

She loves it

I can’t tell if she’s just saying that

I’m elated

You’re talented.

I think you’re talented.

She sends me a 😉😘

I want to see you again.

We meet up at a thrift store.

We don’t even look at clothes

We just talk.

…

I turn off my notifications so Kate can’t see Millie texting me constantly.

It’s 3:25 and she calls

Kate answers.

Kate goes through my phone.

I break up with her.

It was a bad night.

…

I started getting good assignments.

Making good money.

I would do whatever I was asked.

I would write as a man and a woman.

A trans person

I made things seem appetizing

 

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Lots of “thank you” emails for that one.

I grow followings for every persona.

Each one has an ego that I feed.

They all need different things.

Have different tastes.

…

I don’t see Millie for a month

I go to her place and surprise her

Some guy answers

Tells me to fuck off

Yeah? We got business motherfucker?

Who even are you?

Millie comes out.

What the fuck are you doing here

I want you back

I say it in front of her new fag

She doesn’t say anything.

The guy almost hits me but she says

Give me a minute.

Okay.

…

Millie moved in

She saw me get better and better

She didn’t have all that much

Two drawers fit her clothes

Three big tubs had her belongings

Quilts from dead grandmothers

Her piercing equipment

…

I took her out all the time

I wanted to be seen with her

We ate modestly

Then lavishly

Sometimes we would pay for it

And sometimes we wouldn’t

We would drink and fuck and drink more

The fucking was good

Never as good as that first time.

…

Overt clickbait-style titles start to get suppressed

Fuck you Mark fucking Zuckerberg you kike faggot

They can still gain some traction

They just don't perform as well now

We become more subtle

 

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…

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It takes me the afternoon to finish it.

We go out to celebrate

Millie asks me a question but I don’t hear it I’m re-reading the article.

I scroll to the comments section.

The top voted comment:

Aw poor white straight men of the West. Get pussy whipped by women or get cancelled

Are you even listening to me right now?

I’m sorry honey what was that?

Ohmygod

Please don’t do that I’m just seeing how the article is doing.

I’m trying to talk to you.

Okay I’m right fucking here talk to me! I asked you to repeat yourself and you’re giving me shit.

I’m giving you shit because I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

Our friends are watching.

The music is loud though.

…

Millie and I get into fights

You provide structure. Without you I’m just aimless

Is that all I do

Why aren’t you attracted to me

You know it’s not that. It’s my meds.

I’m honestly getting pretty fucking tired of hearing that

What is this we were doing good you were coming down

I know I know I’m sorry I’m sorry

Jesus

I said I was sorry!

Let’s just relax honey. Please. Just put on one of your shows.

I hold her for a long time.

I put on one of my shows.

It’s controversial.

If people knew I liked it they would think I’m repugnant.

It relaxes me though.

…

I really didn’t mean to piss off Harrison Ford.

I know you didn’t.

Does this mean I can’t do anymore videos?

I don’t know what it means yet.

You can still make quizzes

That’s comforting. I say it sarcastically.

It’s true though.

…

Oh you want me to blah blah blah?

Of course honey.

No problem.

Whatever you say.

But without saying “whatever you say” because you know the type of argument that will lead to.

Women are so predictable sometimes.

I’m not saying I’m not.

But fuck.

She gets what she wants.

I get what I want.

A fair trade.

That’s called the barder system.

But I’m not getting what I want.

I really need pussy.

…

It’s cold and it’s late.

I follow a girl to a fountain

She’s drunk as shit

Can barely string a sentence

She has braces like a middle schooler

I’ll pay you $200 to suck my dick right now

I fuck her face long enough for her to offer her pussy

She gives me the ahegao

I cum inside her and pull my pants up and leave.

I’m pretty sure I left the money.

Right?

…

I take acid.

Roberto does it with me

I like hanging out with him

Makes me seem more inclusive

He writes trash too

 

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Fuck man this is some good shit.

Are you already feeling it too??

That did not take long at all.

The chaos of synesthesia

I see everyone’s aura

I swipe right on a girl and we match.

We make very quick small talk

What are you doing right now?

And I’m meeting her outside in less than 10.

She’s spritely.

Bubbly.

Small.

I’m spreading her ass cheeks with my face

I lick everywhere

I’m in heaven.

I get up and shove my dick inside her.

Push her back against the toilet paper dispenser.

…

I go to another club.

It’s a premier for something and a lot of big names are floating around.

A lot of me’s are floating around.

We’re bottom feeders to them.

You can see it on their faces.

All I keep thinking is I’m an impostor.

Their faces are a reminder of this.

But then I slam a drink and say fuck these guys I make them who they are.

They’re just pretty boys

Fucking fags

They need other people more athletic to make them look better.

You gobble it up.

Roberto is wading around in a fountain.

I leave him there.

…

I see Johnny Depp.

Did she really shit on your bed?

He just looks at me

You have a smell, he says.

Oh yeah? Is it the pussy you’re not getting?

He hits me.

I’m forced to leave.

…

Whoa bro you look like shit.

Thanks.

Seriously though. Do you need a hospital?

I need a lot of things.

My mind lists them.

Starts ranking by primal importance.

My life feels obtuse

instant gratification.

Pleasure seeker

Dysfunction incarnate.

…

An article is breaking

 

Johnny Depp Assaults The Cis White Straight Man Behind All Of Your Favorite Quizzes. We Say Justice For Johnny. Do You?

 

Haters and supporters on both sides.

Now everyone knows who I am.

…

I come home

She’s watching a TED Talk called 6 ways mushrooms can save the world

What is that? She asks pointing to my black eye.

An autograph.

I can’t do this anymore

You’re telling me?

See? It’s shit like that!

She’s crying.

You don’t fuck me anymore.

She cries harder.

Are you even attracted to me? I scream at her.

And then I’m crying.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell.

I never mean to yell but I do

I’m an animal.

If I have any respect for myself, she says through broken heavy breaths, then I need to leave.

Please don’t leave me.

But she does.

The door closes behind her.

The apartment feels empty.

Cold.

Foreign.

I pull up tinder and start swiping.

She’ll come back for her stuff.

Jesse Larkins is a writer and filmmaker from Detroit, MI. He loves dogs.