Fiction: The Ejaculation (A Comedy in One Act)
By Michael Fowler
Characters: Adrian Frobisher, 55, professional, single, bald and overweight, somewhat stuffy, dressed in expensive casual clothes.
Jill Hollyweight, 33, professional, well groomed, somewhat outspoken, dressed in expensive casual clothes.
Lillie, 33, an exotic dancer.
Set: The living room of Adrian's small but pricey apartment.
At rise, ADRIAN is alone, sitting and reading the New York Times. It is about one on a Saturday afternoon. There is a knock at the door. He glances at his watch with a somewhat puzzled expression and goes to the door. He checks the peephole and puts on another very puzzled expression. He then opens the door and addresses JILL, who is framed in the doorway.
ADRIAN
Hello.
JILL
Hello. It's Adrian Frobisher, isn't it? (Laughs nervously.) I'm Jill Hollyweight in apartment D down the hall. Am I disturbing anything? I can come back if I am.
ADRIAN
No, you're not disturbing anything at the moment. Is there something I can do for you?
JILL
Oh, you're probably expecting someone. I'll be brief then. May I come in, Mr. Frobisher? I have some business to propose to you.
ADRIAN
Well, I suppose so, if it won't take too long. You're in D you say? (He extends his hand and she enters.)
JILL
Yes, in D.
ADRIAN
I know I've seen you, but I didn't know your name or your apartment. Have a seat.
JILL
Thank you. (She sits on the sofa, he in the chair facing the sofa where he was reading the Times before.) Let me say first it's an honor to share a floor with you. I've heard a few things about your intellectual accomplishments, and I'm very impressed.
ADRIAN
My intellectual accomplishments, yes. Really?
JILL
That you won a Tarkentower, for example.
ADRIAN
A Tarkentower? Oh no, I never won a Tarkentower.
JILL
No? Well then a Wellingsworth.
ADRIAN
Oh no. I was passed up for the Wellingsworth, I'm afraid.
JILL
It must have been the Frampton then.
ADRIAN
Ah yes. I did take third place for the Frampton.
JILL
Only third? Well, that's still very good. I'm impressed.
ADRIAN
Thank you. Of course that was almost thirty years ago. It was my senior year of college.
JILL
Anyway, you're the only person I know who has placed in the top three for the Frampton and its thousands.
ADRIAN
It was only $25 for third, as I remember. I think I went to dinner on it. May I ask where you heard this mostly false information about me?
JILL
Oh just rumors around the building. You know how it is. I overheard some people in the laundry room.
ADRIAN
In the laundry room? I had no idea the conversations there were so...biographical.
JILL
Oh yes. They don't just talk about bleach and detergent there, you know.
ADRIAN
I wouldn't know. I...my aged mother does my laundry, every weekend. But it's all falsehoods, what you heard about me, or nearly all.
JILL
Yes. I was led on about you, I see.
ADRIAN
Led on?
JILL
To believe you had won a clear first in something, when this wasn't the case at all. Still, as I say, you came close enough, so there's no major drawback. And well, you went on to become a great scientist, right?
ADRIAN
I work in computers.
JILL
Oh.
ADRIAN
I sense this too is a disappointment.
JILL
Not at all. I'm in computers too.
ADRIAN
It's a large field. May I ask where you're headed with this?
JILL
Certainly, but could you first tell me what were your college board test scores?
ADRIAN
My college board scores? I think they were...I really would like to know why you're so inquisitive about me.
JILL
Naturally. I certainly owe you an explanation for all these questions. May I be direct?
ADRIAN
By all means.
JILL
I wish to have a child by you. That is, I wish for someone brilliant to supply genetic material for my child, and I've picked you. That's why I came over. Even though you didn't win those awards that you were reported in the laundry room to have won, still I can see you're no dummy. Maybe not Nobel Prize material, but you must make around 50K a year, which is still pretty smart.
ADRIAN
I'm up for a promotion too...but a child?
JILL
Yes. I want it to have competitive genes for today's world. third place for the Frampton and 50K a year are good. Your apartment's tastefully decorated too.
ADRIAN
Thank you. I guess I'm flattered. But I'm afraid I have no desire to be responsible for a child. I'm a bachelor, you see, quite by design. Perhaps you could spread the word in the laundry room.
JILL
Oh, you don't need to worry about any responsibility. I'm not proposing marriage to you, in fact I'm not a woman who marries men. My preference is decidedly for women.
ADRIAN
Ah. You've come out of the cabinet, then.
JILL
The closet.
ADRIAN
I beg your pardon?
JILL
It's the closet one comes out of, not the cabinet.
ADRIAN
Oh of course. Stupid of me. The closet it is.
JILL
Yes. And I have an agreement already written out absolving you from any paternal responsibilities. (Hands him a document.) You see I've already signed it and had it
notarized.
ADRIAN
Yes, well, this is interesting. I see my name is figured into it. So I don't have to pay child support or buy pacifiers or cough up the cost of a college education?
JILL
Not a thing. I'm perfectly capable of supporting the child myself and attending to its every need. The child need not even know who its father is.
ADRIAN
Not even that? I don't know if I like that part or not. Let me think...do I want my child to know that I'm its father? No I don't, now that I think about it.
JILL
In case you have any worries, paragraph one states that I will entirely abide by your wishes concerning acknowledgment of your paternity. But even if you want me to, I don't have to tell the child about you until I think it can handle the shock. Of learning about its father, that is.
ADRIAN
Yes, well I'd rather all that stay a secret. The shock may be more than either the child or I could stand.
JILL
The child keeps my name.
ADRIAN
Of course.
JILL
Concerning visitation and upbringing, you are free to stay the hell away and must understand that I'm raising the child alone and as I wish, though you will be allowed to visit on the rare occasions the child and I both want you to. Since you prefer the child to know nothing of you, the visits should not occupy much of your time. You may also give the child gifts, though these may not be tendered in your name. That about takes care of it. Oh yes…if and when the child
attains legal age and sues me for information on its father, you're on your own. What do you say?
ADRIAN
Not that you seem to be a monster, but I'd like some assurance that the child will be well cared for and not used for scientific experiment or sold into bondage or otherwise exploited.
JILL
Paragraph two.
ADRIAN
(Looking.) Yes, right. There it is.
JILL
I go into quite a bit of detail in paragraph two about my strong maternal instinct, my overflowing love of children, and the myriad joys of raising them. Or rather, of raising the one child I care about: my own.
ADRIAN
You do, indeed. It's most heartwarming to read.
JILL
Everything satisfactory?
ADRIAN
Well, if it's notarized I guess that's all right. What do I do, sign it?
JILL
Yes, the form makes you a copy.
(He signs and then hands the document to her. She tears off a back page and hands it to him.)
JILL
There's your copy. Now there's one more thing.
ADRIAN
Oh?
JILL
I assume that if you have reason to believe that you might possess some loathsome disease, you would tell me right now.
ADRIAN
I undoubtedly would. Once I get to know a person, I become quite a chatterbox.
(Pause.)
JILL
Well then, I'll take your silence for your word.
ADRIAN
By all means, please do.
JILL
I think then we're set.
ADRIAN
That's a few technicalities out of the way.
JILL
What do you mean?
ADRIAN
Well, I'm not clear on how you wish to proceed. That is...in the usual way?
JILL
Oh no. As I mentioned, I'm not a man's woman. Besides, I don't know you.
(She holds up a wrapped condom.)
ADRIAN
What's that?
JILL
A receptacle for you. I was hoping to get a carry-out.
ADRIAN
A carry-out?
JILL
For want of a better term.
ADRIAN
I see. Would you like something to drink with that, or some fries?
JILL
Ha ha. Just the main course, I think.
(ADRIAN takes the condom.)
ADRIAN
Well...
JILL
That is, if you can serve in that.
ADRIAN
I suppose it's a better fit than Tupperware. But how will you...? Oh never mind. I don't think I want to know.
JILL
And I'll need it right away if that's convenient. I'm ovulating now, according to my vaginal temperature. My systems are go, if yours are. This minute would be perfect.
ADRIAN
I'm afraid there's a bit of a snag.
JILL
Oh?
ADRIAN
I mean how'm I to...I really don't do that anymore.
JILL
Don't do what? You mean you don't ejaculate?
ADRIAN
I don't masturbate. It's a vile practice I gave up when I was a boy. When I was 50, actually.
JILL
Oh. That is a snag.
ADRIAN
I think so.
JILL
But couldn't you? There's no physical barrier, is there?
ADRIAN
No, of course not. I'm 100 percent.
JILL
Well then, once more won't kill you.
ADRIAN
I suppose not, when you put it that way. Though I'm a bit out of practice. But not today, I'm afraid.
JILL
Why not?
ADRIAN
Well, if you must know I'm saving it. I have other plans for it today.
JILL
You are impregnating another today?
ADRIAN
I am expecting a lady in about 10 minutes. It is a weekly rendezvous. It is not for procreation but for pleasure.
JILL
I am dreadfully sorry to have come at such a time. I am truly embarrassed.
ADRIAN
So you see, our conversation has been purely academic.
JILL
Obviously. (Pause.) But would she miss it?
ADRIAN
Of course she would miss it.
JILL
I mean, would she miss...what you're saving?
ADRIAN
I have every reason to believe that she would notice its absence. Were I younger, of course, to achieve two...results in a short period would be no great matter, but now...
JILL
I understand.
ADRIAN
...it takes days to build it back up. Though it really isn't a question of her missing it.
JILL
I see. She'll think you've been unfaithful.
ADRIAN
Yes, I think she would.
JILL
But I don't really see why would she notice anything at all. Do you ordinarily display it?
ADRIAN
No no. I don't. All right, since you've been frank with me, I'll be the same with you. I'm expecting a masseuse to come here and rub me down with herbal oils. That's all. She's due in...well a few minutes, as I said. And yes, everything will be on display.
JILL
I see. Well, one can make a spectacle of oneself, can't one? (Pause.) I apologize, that remark wasn't necessary.
ADRIAN
No, I hardly think it was.
JILL
Excuse me again. It's entirely your business. But is that legal?
ADRIAN
Well...
JILL
I'm sorry once more. It's certainly not my concern. But in any case she won't miss it, I think.
ADRIAN
Miss what? Oh, no she wouldn't, I expect. The thing is, I would.
JILL
Oh? Your pleasure depends upon a substantial ...production?
ADRIAN
No, no. I don't think so anyway. Or yes, yes. Of course it does.
JILL
That's odd. I've read that it's simply a contraction of the pelvic muscles that gives rise to the pleasure, in man and woman. The size of the...production has nothing to do with it.
ADRIAN
You're well informed, aren't you? Well I'm not sure I agree with those feminist findings.
JILL
They're quite certain. I mean we women don't...shoot productions, or whatever you men say.
ADRIAN
We shoot wads, I believe. I take it back, that's old-fashioned. Nowadays we shoot loads, I think.
JILL
How picturesque. And yet we women feel the pleasure too, some of us, though none of us shoots anything, exactly. With some exceptions, I suppose.
ADRIAN
I'm not sure men and women feel precisely the same thing. The two anatomies are vastly different.
JILL
I'm sorry, but I think you just want to impress your masseuse with your prodigious load, is all. Or rather impress yourself. I'm sure she doesn't give a hoot about your dribblings. If I may be blunt.
ADRIAN
Don't spare my feelings, now. Don't hold back.
JILL
Well, isn't that it?
ADRIAN
That may be part of it. I do so enjoy being psychoanalyzed by a lay person. I would say that the...unloading is part of the total experience, you see.
JILL
Of course. The male ego must be massaged as well as his...other part.
ADRIAN
I don't deny it. But I'm weary of arguing. I'd load your receptacle now if I thought I could and skip the massage. But I'm afraid that without the stimulation of Margie I'd be flogging a dead horse.
JILL
It's Margie, is it?
ADRIAN
I always ask for my Margie. (Dreamily.) Her fingers are like muscular worms.
JILL
Yes, well. The solution to this dilemma is simple.
ADRIAN
What are you suggesting?
JILL
Let me speak to her, if you like. I'll ask her to do you with the...receptacle on you, and then hand it over to me. You can still be proud if you do a good job filling it.
ADRIAN
Filling it? Do you think I'm a fire hydrant? Anyway I'll see nothing of it at all, and neither will she, with this...device on me. At this point, though, such delicate matters are no longer an issue. I just wish to get it over with.
JILL
I'm ruining your rendezvous for you, aren't I? Tell you what, I'll pay for her today. To return the favor. After all, you're under no obligation to inconvenience yourself for me like this.
ADRIAN
I appreciate that. With her tip, it's $100.
JILL
It's what?
ADRIAN
That's only a 15 percent tip.
JILL
My lord. I'm in the wrong line of work. Well, if I went to a sperm bank it'd cost an arm and a leg too, I'm sure. And you're a lot more convenient for me. (She removes a checkbook from her satchel and begins to scribble on a check.) I'll just make this out to you, if that's all right.
ADRIAN
That's fine. (She hands him the check.) Thank you. Consider me your 7-11.
JILL
I believe we're set then.
ADRIAN
Oh dear.
JILL
What's wrong?
ADRIAN
I just remembered. How idiotic of me. I saw Margie last Saturday. Today I see Lillie, my exotic dancer.
JILL
Lillie, your exotic dancer?
ADRIAN
I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm afraid that scotches everything.
JILL
It does?
ADRIAN
I don't disrobe for Lillie. It isn't permitted. Such an act, if it became known, could get us both arrested and cost Lillie her job.
JILL
Lillie sounds quite a different proposition from Margie.
ADRIAN
She is. With a masseuse like Margie, body contact is inevitable. She can't be held responsible for a...result, in some cases. But a dancer like Lillie is under contract to make no body contact, nor would she. Lillie simply isn't the type. She's purely for visual enjoyment.
JILL
Like an object of art.
ADRIAN
Exactly, in a sense.
JILL
Then there will be no...result today?
ADRIAN
I didn't say that. But since I don't undress, you can see it is lost, absorbed in the silken folds of my undergarment. (He brushes the back of his hand across the leg of his trousers.) Of course....
JILL
Of course. You merely don the...receptacle before the...hootch dance begins, and we're still in business. Naturally I'll still foot the bill. Is it $100?
ADRIAN
Oh yes. And well worth it.
JILL
I'm sure.
ADRIAN
I always ask for my Lillie, and she takes good care of me.
JILL
Will you be signing my check over to Lillie?
ADRIAN
Oh no. I pay her by credit card. It's all taken care of before she arrives.
JILL
Ah. That's good to know, somehow.
ADRIAN
Yes. It's safer that way, I think.
JILL
And then you'll run it over to me in D?
ADRIAN
Absolutely. Just as soon as I wake up.
JILL
Oh, you'll be having a nap first?
ADRIAN
It's just that afterward I invariably fall asleep. I'm quite helpless to prevent it. My doctor thinks it may be a thyroid deficiency.
JILL
Isn't there something you can take for that?
ADRIAN
I'm taking it. I'd be in a coma right now if I weren't. But don't worry, I only sleep for a minute or two. Twenty or thirty at most.
JILL
I suppose a short nap won't hurt anything. The little cells can survive, I believe, if we don't make them wait too long.
ADRIAN
Though maybe not mine, if they're as weak as I am these days.
JILL
Oh?
ADRIAN
Never mind. Just a little gag.
JILL
Yes, well if we're squared away then....
ADRIAN
(Dreamily.) What I dread is that surgery may soon be necessary, to restore my vitality. In my mind's eye I see the gleaming scalpel as the surgeon lowers it to my prostrate body...
JILL
Um, hello?
ADRIAN
Sorry. It's my greatest fear. (Holds up the condom.) I'll go change for Lillie.
JILL
Good idea. But...before she arrives?
ADRIAN
She's almost here.
JILL
But is it possible, before she…entertains you?
(They both think about it.)
ADRIAN
Well...I think I can do it.
JILL
I'll defer to your judgement.
ADRIAN
Anyway, now is better than excusing myself in the middle of her performance. I would find that...frustrating.
JILL
I understand.
ADRIAN
And we don't want her waiting around for me before she gets started...
JILL
All right, all right....
ADRIAN
Unless of course you're willing to shell out another hundred for a second half hour. You never know what a delay like that might mean.
JILL
I'm sorry I asked. But a half hour is all you get for $100?
ADRIAN
That's it. And the clock starts ticking the moment she sets foot in the door.
JILL
Oh dear. Do you often run over?
ADRIAN
Never. The very idea of having to pay for another session adds a certain...urgency.
JILL
But if I'm the one paying?
ADRIAN
I don't think that will make a difference. Money is money. But we can we can always say the second session is on me.
JILL
Fair enough. Well then, that must cover everything. I hope to see you again soon.
ADRIAN
Give me an hour. That's half an hour to...make my deposit, and another half hour to wake up. You can leave the door unlocked for her. She's due any second.
(ADRIAN exits into the bathroom. JILL goes to the door, opens it and encounters LILLIE.)
JILL and LILLIE
(Together.) Oh!
JILL
Excuse me. You must be Lillie. Come in.
LILLIE
(Entering.) Is it a party? I love parties. I didn't know Mr. F had a lady friend.
JILL
He doesn't. Or rather, I'm only a guest. I was just leaving.
LILLIE
You're not a policewoman, are you?
JILL
Oh no. (Pause.) Are you often arrested?
LILLIE
Hardly ever. I'm strictly a legit dancer. I only get arrested if my party gets too loud and the neighbors call the police. Listen, why don't you stay? Mr. F won't mind. For a loner, he's a real social animal. Where is he, anyway?
JILL
He's powdering his nose. He'll be right out. I think I won't impose on you two, but thanks. Though there is something I'd like to ask you about, Lillie. Shall we sit down a second? (Glances at bathroom door.)
LILLIE
(Sitting with difficulty.) I have to be careful of my back. I wrenched it moving some furniture in my apartment. Mr. F may be disappointed. I usually put on quite a performance. But today I can only stand and wiggle.
JILL
Oh my. I hope that will be adequate.
LILLIE
Excuse me?
JILL
I hope you'll be able to wiggle sufficiently well. Everything depends on that.
LILLIE
I know. Poor Mr. F doesn't get much female companionship, does he?
JILL
It seems to me he has all any man can handle.
LILLIE
You know he always asks for me when he calls my agency? I was his first and I don't think he's ever asked for another. He's my baby boy. And well, I was sure surprised to find you here. I thought maybe you were his sister or his girlfriend before you said you were a guest.
JILL
No. No, I'm neither one. Lillie, what I wanted to talk to you about…I believe that at some point during your performance Mr. Frobisher...falls asleep?
LILLIE
Yes, I've noticed that. My work seems to take something out of him. Did he tell you that?
JILL
Yes. It's why he hires you, I think.
LILLIE
To put him to sleep?
JILL
I'm sure of it. What I'd like to know, Lillie, is how long does he sleep? Can you tell me that? It's vitally important to me.
LILLIE
I'm sorry I don't know. He always falls asleep on the sofa here. When he does, I just throw a blanket from the bedroom over him and leave. From his snoring, though, I'd say he's out a good while. What's this all about, anyway? Where's Mr. F?
JILL
He's fine. He's in the bathroom getting ready for you. Lillie, would you be willing to wake him up as you leave? As a favor to me?
(JILL takes a $20 bill from her purse and holds it.)
LILLIE
(Reaches out and takes the $20.) Not until I know what's going on. I won't do anything to hurt Mr. F. And I can't do anything of an overt sexual nature, in case you're leading up to something.
JILL
Nothing like that. There's no harm in my telling you everything. Mr. F, I mean Mr. Frobisher, is putting on a condom. When the...excitations produced in him by your dancing cause him to...make a deposit in the condom, and then fall into a deep slumber, his...investment will be preserved.
LILLIE
Now hold on a minute. I don't know what you mean by these excitations. I only dance, and it's with my costume on. I don't do anything exciting to Mr. F or to you or to anyone. I had a girlfriend once, a dancer like me, who got involved in customers' excitations, and she's no longer working and has a record.
JILL
I'm not accusing you of anything, Lillie.
LILLIE
I'm just saying, if Mr. F gets excited by my dancing, that's his business, not mine.
JILL
Of course. But you do excite him. That's why you're here.
LILLIE
I thought you said I was here to put him to sleep.
JILL
It's the same thing. Anyway, Mr. Frobisher promised to bring me his...investment before any harm came to it. By waking him, you only help him keep his promise. I'm sure he would have no serious objection to that. Of course, you may mention this plan to him beforehand, if you like. I meant to mention it to him myself, but you were due to arrive, and....
LILLIE
I get it. You want his seed, huh? That dancer friend of mine I mentioned, who's no longer working, she collected men's seed too. She thought it was better than going to a sperm bank, since she got to meet the guys first. She was going to meet a really cute guy and impregnate herself with him. For a long time she collected the seed of all the nice-looking guys she danced for. She put their stuff in sandwich bags with zip locks, then took the bags home and put them in her freezer. But she mislabeled them, and never could decide whose to thaw out, and they ended up all over her refrigerator, in the crisper and everywhere.
JILL
Remind me never to go to her place for dinner.
LILLIE
Only thing I don't get, Mr. F isn't all that cute.
JILL
It's his mind I'm interested in.
LILLIE
Oh yeah, I see what you mean. (Pause.) What do you mean?
JILL
Never mind. Look, I'm in D, right down the hall. If you don't want to wake him up, just let me know when you're leaving and I'll come wake him up. You can call me.
(JILL writes her phone number on a piece of paper and hands it to LILLIE.)
LILLIE
Why don't you just wait? Mr. F usually...is asleep in about two minutes.
JILL
Two minutes? I understood it took about thirty.
LILLIE
Thirty? No way. Two's my baby boy's limit.
JILL
I see. In our conversation he must have overstated his endurance. But with your back?
LILLIE
That shouldn't delay anything. Mr. F's very appreciative of my talent. Sometimes just the sight of me is enough.
JILL
Imagine that. But I couldn't stay. Mr. Frobisher would consider it an imposition, I'm sure.
LILLIE
Well just stand behind the door then. It won't be long, believe me.
JILL
All right. And thank you, Lillie.
(JILL exits.)
ADRIAN
(Entering from the bathroom, softly.) Well, that was a struggle. I had a problem with the short hairs. (More loudly.) Ah, Lillie. Sorry to keep you waiting. I've been looking forward to your visit all week.
LILLIE
Make yourself comfy, Mr. F, while I get set up.
ADRIAN
Delighted. (He sits on the sofa as LILLIE plugs in her cassette player and takes off her coat to reveal a body and dance outfit that suggest one of the dancing hippos or ostriches in Fantasia.)
LILLIE
Mr. F, that woman asked me to wake you up before I left. Something about a promise you made to her. Is that all right?
(She then turns on the cassette player and waits in a studied pose for the music to start.)
ADRIAN
(Fidgeting.) That's fine. Oh I can't wait.
(Swing jazz of the '30's or '40's is heard. LILLIE wiggles as best she can with her bad back.)
ADRIAN
(Shifting his weight and crossing and recrossing his legs.) I love it when you hold back like that.
LILLIE
Thanks, Mr. F.
ADRIAN
You shameful tease, Lillie. Oh you sinful girl!
LILLIE
To be honest, Mr. F, I injured myself lugging some furniture. I can't go all out for you today. I'm sorry.
ADRIAN
You're doing fine. Oh jeepers! Oh creepers!
LILLIE
Is it OK, Mr. F?
ADRIAN
(In a spasm.) I'm breaking through! I'm breaking through!To another side! To another side!
(The spasm subsides and ADRIAN falls asleep. LILLIE turns off the music, goes to the door and opens it.)
LILLIE
It's all over. Come on in.
JILL
(Entering and eyeing Lillie's costume.) That was quick.
LILLIE
I told you.
(Glancing at ADRIAN, LILLIE exits to bedroom.)
JILL
(Trying to rouse ADRIAN, but does not touch him.) Mr. Frobisher? Mr. Frobisher? It's me, Jill Hollyweight. Do you have something for me?
(ADRIAN does not respond. He snores once.)
LILLIE
(Returning with a blanket.) Why don't you just take it, honey? He's not getting up any time soon. My little sleeping boy. Hurry so I can cover him.
JILL
Just reach in there and...? Oh, I couldn't do that.
LILLIE
Why not? (Puts down blanket.) Here, I'll get it for you.
(LILLIE kneels in front of ADRIAN so as to block the audience's view of his trouser fly and busies herself there. JILL looks away modestly.)
JILL
I really appreciate this gesture, but I thought you weren't permitted to touch the man.
(ADRIAN begins to giggle in his sleep.)
LILLIE
(Still busy with the giggling ADRIAN'S trousers.): Oh if he's asleep it can hardly matter. Anyway this is for science. Whoa, baby boy! I'll knot this to keep the air off. That'll keep the little buggers alive.
(LILLIE rises holding by the neck a bulging condom. At the same time ADRIAN wakes up groggy and laughing.)
ADRIAN
What? What? Who's tickling me?
LILLIE
Hey, Mr. F. With stuff like this, you should be in adult movies.
JILL
(Looking at last) It doesn't seem possible.
ADRIAN
Oh no. No. I'm afraid I had a little accident. Dear me....
JILL
An accident? You mean...?
ADRIAN
Well, someone was tickling me. I couldn't prevent it.
LILLIE
And here I thought you'd set a world record, Mr. F. (LILLIE glances at the condom.) Yeah, it’s the wrong color. I'll go flush this. (To JILL) Sorry, honey.
(LILLIE exits to bathroom.)
ADRIAN
(Yawning and falling asleep again.): It's not a good idea to flush those. They can block the plumbing.
(The toilet flushes.)
JILL
Rather than repeat the day's events, Mr. Frobisher, I believe I'll seek out a great mind elsewhere. Perhaps the bar on the corner. Thank you for your efforts, for which I believe I have paid you in full, and good afternoon.
(JILL exits.)
ADRIAN
(Nearly asleep again.) Yeah. Please don't say anything about this in the laundry room. (ADRIAN falls asleep.)
LILLIE
(Returning.) I flushed it, everyone. (She sees ADRIAN sleeping and JILL gone, covers ADRIAN with the blanket, kisses her fingertips and plants the kiss on his forehead, puts on her coat, gets her cassette player, and turns one last time to ADRIAN.)
LILLIE
My baby boy.
(LILLIE exits, closing the door. Lights fade.)
END
Michael Fowler is a playwright living in Ohio.
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