Poetry: who may sue and be sued by Adam Johnson

who may sue and be sued

"your honoring i don't know much about the law" from

the man dressed in hideous matlock drag and

entering the courthouse for his divorce case, 

secretly strapped with dynamite

"have a seat, we haven't called your case 

yet mr. - "

"i'm on my last legs our honor."

"we'll get to you shortly."

the judge texts her law clerk "lol"

###

charles was a learned painter

he wore leather and listened to nirvana but

never found it

his old boss at subway dealt in left-handed compliments

charles has always been an artist and he's 

working on his installation: "abuses of uses"

a giant replica of a seafood sub with 

huge mammary developments

and a jewish star

charles is an anti-semite and

he wants to make waves

###

joshua swallowed the pardoner's mitten

"that's code for - "

"shut the fuck up bryan!"

'k."

###

tom the lawyer, yeah, pari passu,

at the same time, equal degrees

(two or more schemes carried out

at once, doncha-know)

so anyway tom smokes crack

with his clients and bills them for the time

only at half-rate, &c.

he couldn't write a legal brief to save his life

and he lives in paper house 

on paper credit like

a paper king

it is not an earthly paradise

in fact, he is surrounded by asbestos

###

injuries to a husband include

abduction and adultery & 

beating or otherwise ill-using a man's wife

these are offenses against the man

not the wife

"for  real?"

"no it's just old shit you have to learn for the bar lol"

"holy shit i was like - "

"yeah"

"let's go get wine drunk."

"k"

###

kotton has his introduction

when?

now

oh, lol

###

maria was black and beautiful

i don't know why but one day

she just walked down to the pond,

filled her pockets with soil,

and walked in

it was behind craig's house,

his american name,

in truth

he was a fabulous egyptian

###

i hate brunch

why?

look at the people

###

i am beginning to think that

i should paint with watercolors

rather than acrylic because 

of a sensitivity to laser tag

and this shit i saw in the gazette

"it's the anniversary of harper's death'

"five foot harper?

"five foot harper. she was a dame."

"that's for you to say.  i haven't a clue."

"i don't really either."

###

mary anne sits all day staring

into her clouded cane and drinking

tequilas mixed with ovaltine

she has strong bones and

a foot that grew backward

she was in theater for a spell,

but only as a groundling

"whatever, let's go to the circle k"

look there she is in the window

that's not her

that's stephanie

oh yeah

###

hubert built an astrological house

and sat in it

he was so bored that he just moved

the earth around in his little truck

he bought flowers for the 14-year-old 

at the drive-through coffeeshop and

her dad drove over and beat the living

fuck out of him

###

marty quit driving cab because his

back mice finally got to him

he had them incised and they grew

back like there was cheese hiding 

on his insides lol

"are you a doctor?"

"in fact, yes."

###

last year boris did rock the vote

and did the march of dimes on top

of a 5k for the victims of hurricane biden

he has a figure of fun and built

a little fountain in his yard that the kids

throw coins in

he secretly records people from his front window

this is antisocial but all of his

good deeds cancel it out

he is an even stephen

"well you raise a good point and i

don't know if plato - oh sorry, i'm on hold

yes, make that a 20-piece nugget 

and extra ranch and - hang on - "

sotto voce: "what.  oh okay."

and a large coke [to mix with southern comfort]

###

"good afternoon, Goyim Goyim & Goyim."

"is tom in?"

"he's in court, can i take a message or 

would you like to talk to samantha?"

"you mean that bitch who fucked up my divorce?"

###

brandon has moved three times in three years

and each time has removed and rescrewed one

of those old pencil sharpeners

he works for an internet co. and plays 

blackjack until dawn

he's not so bad except for that murder

he got away with

###

john loses everything and dresses

like an ostrich

he orders the deluxe wash with a wax seal

and gets out of his car in the middle of it

he finally feels

###

hick ben is still in prison

everyone else associated with the case is dead, 

with the exception of His Honor,

who is in boca raton

"you should write a book about it"

"it's not interesting. and the whole

world is a potter's field in time."

###

tom's ex-law clerk came out to

him by text

tom was sitting next to him 

at the marriott bar at the time

some things are easier typed

there was a reference to powdering a jacket

tom ordered more long islands

###

suzanne left the bay

and tore the flower power sticker off 

her beetle

she detransitioned and gets 

health insurance from trader joes

she is still commie but complains

about the lines at costco

she's actually not that bad

"is she though?"

"for real cuh."

###

thomas lost his maga hat

and therefore and expertly

ordered sixteen more AR's

he buries most of them

in plastic totes in the backyard

in case the feds descend

he visits MSNBC and daily kos a 

few times per day as digital cover

he is working on a manuscript to 

send to some filthy fucking internet

wordpress rag

###

i miss my best friend

it's me, hi, i'm the problem it's me

thanks Taylor

it's literally black thursday as i write this

###

have you read harry's book?

yes, and I think it is on the best seller's list

for a reason

you mean because he's royalty?

no because he's a cunt

"you're only saying that because you can."

"true..."

###

"another long island tom?"

"yeah, and one for my friend here."

(tom is about to ask the dungeons and dragons question)

###

"must have rubbed off."

"from who?"

"girl i used to date, she's a waitress."

"here?"

[only moments later in the special court of jurisdiction, Bridges restaurant]

"does your friend have a friend?"

"hey, it's the 90s"

(lol Daniel)

###

lauren had six skinny bee marharitas at

a select neighborhood grill,

broke out her dancing sticks

and pulled her skirt over her head before 6 PM

she was 86'd and forgot,

and told she had to leave

when she showed up with her 

kids the next week

they showed her the photo 

of the rose on her ass that

was making its rounds among

the line cooks

###

"i should like to see the color

of your money"

vs.

"ladies and gentlemen,

we got him."

it's a pop quiz, though

 you haven't a clue

the syllabus is not up

to date

and the professor leaps

from the chapel

"holy shit that's a bad play."

"you betcha."

###

megan always said

the ends justified the means

"yeah bro but like, really?"

"what?"

###

i will not sit her and let you downplay

your role in this, you have - 

"lady there's lipstick all over your fucking 

face and this is a cousin's subs, not a jersey mike's

and my name is Alan, not Eric, Jesus Christ."

###

tom consumedly consumed 8 long islands

and called it the abatement of liquor

by an individual, did a few lines of coke with

his ex-law clerk, and gave the poor devil

the irish goodbye

"that fucking tom."

Adam Johnson lives in Minnesota