Creative Nonfiction: The Girl I Knew

By Rowan Moskowitz

I once knew someone years ago. A young girl who struggled to find herself, yet would still look at the world with gazes of hope and joy, her eyes sparkling brighter than any star in the night sky. She carried a heart bigger than her body, filled with empathy for any and all living creatures that existed alongside her. She was always determined to help others however she could, carrying an unwavering belief that no matter what would happen, the world would be able to become a beautiful place through spreading love and kindness. I wish I could have warned her about the harsh reality waiting in the shadows to crush that innocent belief. 

With each year that passed, I watched that child slowly die little by little each day. The simple problems she used to face, like learning how to spell different words or what action figures to play with, were replaced with ones that no one could ever prepare for. Instead, she faced bullying, judgment, loss, heartbreak, societal pressure, the list goes on. And with each new issue that appeared on that list? I witnessed the glimmer in her eyes fade, a dull hopelessness taking its place as waves of anxiety began consuming her soul. 

She became a woman riddled with insecurities, the bags under her eyes exposing just how exhausted she was from fighting to stay alive and not give up. She went from knowing herself better than anyone, to viewing herself as a worthless stranger, scared of the unknown future lurking ever closer. It’s an understatement to say that I’m just heartbroken witnessing it all. I could feel guilt bubbling up in my gut, my body shaking and legs ready to give out because of how helpless I feel watching her suffer. Sometimes I don’t even realize the tears starting to form in my eyes as I watch her, only realizing once they finally start falling down my cheeks, the cool temperature contrasting with my burning hot cheeks. 

I blame myself everyday for her fall, constantly reminding myself how I failed her by not being stronger, allowing myself to succumb to the same pain as she did. I failed, time and time again, to be the support she needed. I became her worst critique, constantly focusing on our mistakes and trauma, as if our flaws alone were what defined us, proving that we were both unworthy of happiness in this life. I allowed an ocean of depression to constantly attack us, attempting to drown us every time it had the chance. I betrayed her, and led us both to suffer for years on end. Something that I could never take away. 

Why do I blame myself so much for this girl’s pain some of you may ask? Because this wasn’t just an old friend who I knew as a child. Nor was it a past lover or family member who I let only exist within my memories. This was the reflection of the girl I used to be. Of the person I once was, who I grew to hate blindly because of my own self-loathing and turmoil, unable to understand how anyone could love someone as broken as me. 

I mean it when I say how I became my own worst enemy. And despite my current efforts of trying to improve, working to make amends and heal alongside my past self. I know, deep inside, I will never be able to fully forgive or forget all the pain I’ve caused us both. It will haunt me until my last breath, and leave an eternal scar that will never fade. The most horrifying, utterly gut wrenching truth I must live with from now on. How I wish I had that innocent girl back again.

Rowan Moskowitz is a young woman who strives to try and find her authentic self once again through her passion towards writing. She loves tattoos, musicals, animals, and has a deep love for all of her closest loved ones (family, friends, etc). Through her work, Rowan aims to explore and express her own personal battles, wanting to show readers how they are not alone in their battles, and can make impactful pieces/choices in hopes of resparking the hope they long for, just like her.